So when do I get my mane?

"I'm rather proud of my mane of ... hair."
Ron Burgendy

No, not THAT mane! (Although it is the first thing I think about when I hear the word - it's one of the most hilarious scenes in Anchorman.) I'm talkin' about the kind that whips around when driving in a convertible. The kind that demands a hair dryer, makes you go to a beautician vs a barber, and that makes guys who have one think mullets are a good look.

Most of you know that my hair started abandoning me sometime in the late 80s. I can't remember if I told this story before, but the first time I realized I had a bald spot was in a mirrored elevator in New Orleans in 1993. Beginning in 1999 I stopped going to someone else to get my hair cut and bought a set of clippers.

Even though it sounds like I'm bitter, really I'm not. About the only time I thought that my hair was something that helped "define me" was in high school. But like most kids of that age, image is everything. College and real life changed that. The thing I miss most about my hair is that I no longer have a cushion between my scalp and my baseball hats. I wear them all the time - especially when I work outside - and they all start reaking after a couple of months of sweat. If someone has a solution to this problem, I'd love to hear it. Then I'd be totally satisfied with my melon. Other than that, I use less shampoo & conditioner, don't have to use a hair dryer, and can cut it myself. What could be better for a guy that hates maintenance? But apparently I hadn't made this clear to my bride...

Over the last year or so, Prudence has been using a hair product recommended by her beautician to help control and possibly reverse some hair thinning she's experienced. But she's been unhappy with the results. So she began investigating other options and ran across this one in our own back yard (per se). It's called Resthairation and it was recently written up in our local paper. After researching the product (it's developed by a hairdresser with all-natural herbs and has a full money back guarantee, which are huge pluses for her), she thought she'd give it a try. Then they presented her with a special deal for the man of the house. She'd probably heard me joke one too many times about my hairless noggin, and possibly saw this testimonial (which is freakeshly similar to my condition) and decided I should give it a try. So she laid the new scalp care regiment on me:

• Use the new shampoo
• Leave it on for 5 minutes
• Use the new conditioner
• After drying off, reapply the new conditioner and leave it on to soak into the scalp
• Apply another "coat" before bedtime

My first reaction was, "you gotta be kidding me!" Going from something just above bar soap to multiple applications of an herbal-based, home-made concoction not mass-produced by Johnson & Johnson©? And since when does my sensible wife buy into infomercial-type advertising? But then she gave me the look that says "do it for me" (not to mention the price tag - YOUCH!) and I caved.

Before I go any further, I need to point out that this isn't about Prudence wanting a new man. She's perfectly content with the balding, middle-aged guy she's promised to cohabitate with for the rest of her life. She only has my best interest at heart. Or so she says :) Anywho...

Once she finished her spiel, I went to take a shower. I'd worked a long afternoon in the yard at the duplex (which may be a post for another day) and really stunk it up. I told Prudence to take a good look at me - it might be the last time she'd see me like this. I might come out with a flowing mane like Homer Simpson on Dimoxonil. After dodging her right hook, I started my shower. Here are some of the thoughts that went thru my head that night and ever since:

• Need to use less than a dime shape's worth of shampoo and conditioner (did I mention that this stuff costs a lot of money?)
• Is there a coin smaller than a dime (again, I'm cheap)
• The shampoo smells Lestoil-ish
• What if I end up looking like Fabio?
• I have to leave this stuff on for 5 minutes. What am I going to do in the shower for 5 minutes (since I'm no longer 13 or single)?
• Hey, this stuff is running down my neck and face. I don't need any more ear and nose hair. What other hair will I get? Unibrow? Apeman?
• Has anything come in yet?

So 3 weeks later, I'm waiting for my mane. Just the other day Prudence noticed a long, extremely thin hair and wanted to pluck it out. What? I thought this is what we were working for. Then she said, "it's on your nose". Sure enough, a white hair about an inch long was there on the tip of my shnoz - visible only at certain angles. Suck.

If this is where it's headed, I want my bar of soap back...