Quickie

We're getting ready for our annual Fourth of July trip to Prudence's parents home in south central Michigan.  We'll be gone a week.  Outside of another 2 day trip to The Henry Ford (our membership - which was cheaper than buying 2 day passes the last time we went - expires 7/6 so we're gonna squeeze a couple more visits in), a whole lot of nothin' will be going on.  We'll play pool (the billiards kind), fish, swim, and do some boating.  We'll attend their small town Fourth celebration and parade - complete with 20-30 tractors, fire trucks, Shriners, horses (and their crap), 2 or 3 marching bands, and some quickly put together floats.  The kids will actually ride in one sponsored by the Kiwanis group Pru's parents belong to.  Looking forward to my mother in law's cooking - German potato salad, cucumber salad, asparagus, etc. - and eating a steak or 2 on the grill. When not doing family stuff, I plan to read, write a post or 2 (several things on my mind), FINALLY organize pictures from Hawaii, and spend some quality time with my beautiful wife.  As I look at what I just typed, it doesn't look very relaxing.  So I better build some sleep time in there as well.  If anyone figures out how to get more than 24 hours out of a day, please let me know :)

But my intention tonight was not to sit down and give you an itinerary of my weekend.  There's a quick story and picture I need to share.  Sometime in the last couple of weeks, Weimie shared an embarrassing story about The Thing That Grew in the Garage Fridge.  It made me think of a few food items in my desk at work that will soon be teenagers.  Let me introduce you to... Banana, Orange, and Mustard Packets.

Banana is the oldest of the group.  Back in the early 1990, when I could still show some restraint in my eating, I occasionally brought in some healthy snack choices.  Banana was one of them.  But apparently there must have been Hostess snack cakes in the vending machine that day and I forgot he was in my desk drawer.  It wasn't until about a year later that I found him when I was moving to a new job within the company.  He was in pretty much the same condition as you see him here.  There may have been a faint odor to him, but you had to get close to smell it.  Since it had lasted this long, and I have a penchant for novelty items like this, I decided to keep him wherever I went in the company.  So here he is at age 12 (going on 13).

Orange's story is similar to B's.  But he was created on purpose.  A coworker who knew about banana "planted" O in my desk, and he wasn't found for 6-8 months later.  He went thru some odd smells.  At first he was rotten, then he became somewhat of a potpourri item.  Ultimately he was left with no smell...which is good thing.  He's about 10 years old.  He gained a 1/2 brother (not pictured) about 8-9 years ago when someone else brought some rotting fruit to my desk.  They could sense I had a soft spot for garbage.

Mustard Packets was given to me 3 years ago when I joined my current work group.  One of the guys after hearing the story of Banana and Orange, brought out his own collection of expired condiment packets and asked that they join the menagerie in my desk.  Who knows how old they are, but then again who cares?  I kinda felt like a parent of 10 kids expecting number 11: what's another biohazard added to the mix?

So there you have it, Weims.  The story of the rancid desk fruit.  Sometime I'll have to share a picture of the crap (yes, literally CRAP) I have on my bookshelf...

I hope everyone has a fun and safe Fourth of July!  See you in a week or so!

A Cry for Help

You know you've got an eating problem when

• You spend the last $8 in your pocket on as many 50 cent legs as it will buy.
• You know that Zingers are a better deal than Ding Dongs by .25 oz in the vending machine.
• You profess your love for salt.
• To back up that love, you (on a dare) eat an entire salt packet straight (but vow to never do that again!)
• To further cement that love, you dip fries in salt instead of ketchup.
• To save you from a love gone wrong, your wife tapes shut 2/3 of the holes in the salt shaker from the inside with clear tape.
• And you catch on after 2 meals.
• You buy an entire roasted chicken at Sam's Club(for $5) and eat 2/3 for lunch because you don't like their regular menu.
• You buy "value" boxes of Snickers (48/box) and Ding Dongs (24/box) from Sam's Club and keep them in your desk.
• You eat a donut from a 11/12ths full box of donuts left BY (not in) the trash receptical on another floor at work.
• You bring a 10 gallon Rubbermaid container to "Bring Your Own Container "day at the local movie theater and have it filled with popcorn for $.53…and don't even see a movie. Done at least 5 times.
• You like your mashed potatoes with a very yellow, buttery tint.
• You like to drink pickle juice and the leftover liquid from green beens, onions, and bacon grease.
• You consider some foods as "vehicles" for condoments:
• Tomatoes --> salt
• French Fries --> salt
• Bread --> butter
• Lettuce --> ranch salad dressing
• Corn on the Cob --> butter and salt
• Crackers --> butter and salt
• Special instructions: dip the cracker in a tub of butter, use your tongue to spread said butter uniformly, salt then eat.
• You think that the pig is the perfect animal to eat.
• You eat at KFC for the skin.

Added by the lunch crew (within 5 minutes of seeing the above list):

• You get excited when certain people go to lunch with you that you know will not finish their meal, and they offer the rest to you.
• You get excited at Wendy’s because they have bigger ketchup containers.
• You call dibs on the Krispy Kreme box after it is empty of donuts to pick at the frosting stuck in the bottom of it.
• You at 100 shrimp during Shrimp Fest at Red Lobster… for lunch.
• You suspect you were the reason that the "all-you-can-eat" soup bars in town are no longer "all-you-can-eat".
• You post the rules and records for the IFOCE (Internation Federation of Competitive Eating) outside your cube.
• You consider a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies one serving.
• You were miserable eating 3 big slices of pizza, yet still found room for an ice cream cone.
• You email Hardees to thank them when they went back to promoting burgers.
• You frequent McDonalds enough to feel obligated to give the help Christmas gift cards.

To quote the Captain from The Simpsons: "He's more beast than man".

I guess the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem…

Awesome Dad

Today our pastor shared the story and video below of Dick Hoyt and his son, Richard Jr. Their story can be found on their website: http://www.teamhoyt.com/. MSN is also featuring a tribute from Richard Jr. to his dad. It was just too moving not to share. Be prepared - you'll need Kleenex!

Have a great Father's Day!

"I collect spores, mold and fungus..."

I fully expected to match Burl Ives at about 80-90%, but I am a big Harold Ramis fan. Thanks again to Aynde!

"A-B-C! It's Easy as 1-2-3!"

Thank goodness Aynde tagged me on this. I've wanted to post something since last week but everything I wanted to write about would take long to compose. Uggh! I wish I could write something without it becoming "War and Peace" in my head. This was short and fun!

So here you have my ABCs. Can't ever say that without thinking of the Jackson 5. Hope it's in your head just like it's in mine :)

A - Attached or single? Attached. To Prudence for 19 years. She's my better 9/10ths...

B - Best friend? Prudence.

C - Cake or pie? Do I have to choose? Well, since there's no gun to my head, it's Panda's Cherry Pie and Mom's Chocolate Cake.

D - Drink of choice? Diet Pepsi, but I hate this choice. Rather have the leaded stuff, but my pancreas has other ideas.

E - Essential item? TV. Or radio.

F - Favorite color? Again, no gun: Orange and Blue!

G - Gummi bears or worms? Bears, but I prefer my candy in bars with lots of chocolate.

H - Hometown? An Native American named town south of Decatur in Central Illinois that means "Muddy Water". Just hate to name it because of search engines. It's the "one and only"!

I - Indulgence? It's like the Academy Awards: I feel like I'd be leaving someone out. But if I HAD name the top 3 (via said gun): gyros, Edy's Double Chocolate Fudge ice cream, and Hostess Ding Dongs.

J – Jail, Been There? Nope, but I was scared straight as a 4th grader on a visit to our county pokey.

K - Kids? 3 - Panda, The Boy, and Em.

L - Life is incomplete without? Prudence.

M - Marriage date? June 4th.

N - Number of siblings? 1 sister and 2 brothers - all at least 16 years older than me, so at times they're more like aunts and uncles.

O - Oranges or apples? Oranges. And they're best in juice form.

P - Phobia/fears? Ventriloquist dummies.

Q - Favorite quote? Almost every line in Stripes, Dumb and Dumber and O Brother Where Art Thou.

R - Reasons to smile? Too many to name. I like to smile A LOT!

S - Season? Summer - baseball, swimming, vacation, shorts...

T - Tag three. Bill, Weimie, and Jean. But anyone should feel free to do it.

U - Unknown fact about me? I was the valedictorian of my class...of 62 people. But we all rode the short bus.

V - Vegetarian or oppressor of animals? You can eat stuff from plants? Oppressor of Animals, of course! Reminds me to write an ode to the pig.

W - Worst habit? Cleaning my kid's plates. It's easily added 20lbs to my frame...

X - X-rays or ultrasounds?? X-Rays. Never been pregnant.

Y – Can you Yo-Yo? Used to Yo-Yo, but now? No-no.

Z - Zodiac? "It's the age of …"

"Goin' to the Chapel..." - 19 year later!

Taking a page from The Librarian's blog and reposting and entry from my Spaces blog.

Prudence and I celebrated our anniversary yesterday with a movie (Spider-man 3) and dinner (Fiesta Ranchera). No Zorba's this weekend - trying to watch our milage these days. Panda watched her brother and sister...and no one was killed. All-in-all, it was a success! Tonight we get to celebrate on our new memory foam mattress topper :) Happy Anniversary, Honey!!!

And while digging this one up, I re-read the comments and remembered that you can stop by and congratulate Christy and Cowboy on their anniversary as well!

Memories related to our 6/4/1988 wedding date:

• The month prior to the wedding saw me receive my first 2 speeding tickets. The first happened while heading down to my hometown to solidify some arrangements. I was the last in a line of people speeding – and the easiest to nab. The second happened the Thursday before the wedding on Saturday. Prudence was to deliver some sheet music to our new vocalist (the other came up with laryngitis), but she forgot. So she asked me to run the errand. I was in a hurry to drop off the music and pick up pizza (Godfathers – our favorite at the time) and went 40 in a 30. I tried to weasel out of the ticket – tried to use the “I’m getting married this weekend and going to drive on my honeymoon” in order to keep my license, but it didn’t work. Probably should have shown some leg or something…
• No wedding planner, so Prudence and I came up with the wedding program/scorebook. I listed her sister as the “Matron of honor” because I thought that sounded more formal. I later found out it meant that the “maid of honor” was married. Which she wasn’t. I still take grief about that from time to time.
• I was okay until about 10 minutes before the ceremony when I started to freak out at the whole commitment thing – the rest of my life with this woman? Pacing frantically in the alcove at the front of the sanctuary. Speaking in loud and hurried speech. The minister (who was also a very good friend of mine) settled me down enough to get me out on the stage. As the bridesmaids came down the isle, I started to calm down. Then when Prudence and her dad began their walk, my heart immediately went calm. It was like no one else was there. Only her. And that was a cool as it gets.
• During the lighting of the unity candle, Prudence and I had some time to talk quietly – just between us. Many people have asked us what we were talking about. That’s our little secret.
• After the wedding, we had a dinner (or was it supper?). Because I insisted in the tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding, we took all our pictures after the ceremony. So we were late to our own dinner, and most people had finished by the time we got there. I’ll regret that as long as I live.
• My grandparents from Iowa were able to make it to the wedding. We had a number of great pictures taken of and with them. The next year, on my birthday, my grandfather died of a heart attack. Our pictures are the only professional pictures of him left, and I’ll be forever thankful of that.
  
• My sky-blue 1979 Cutlass was covered in Oreo cookies when we left the church. Most of them stayed on during our drive to Chicago for our wedding night at a Days Inn off Halstead Avenue. We washed them off the next morning.
  
• My car had been in an accident before the wedding and still had a can of paint left in the drunk from the paint job. I forgot to take it out before we left. Somewhere along the line it tipped over and drained out below the rear quarter panel and onto the hotel parking lot. We drive by the hotel every once in a while on our way to Michigan to visit her parents and I think of this every time.
• We went to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon (again, the traditionalist in me). About 30 miles from the Falls, my radiator went out. We nursed the car into town and had to make arrangements to get it fixed. The concierge at the hotel got a case of his favorite beer.
• We were on our honeymoon for 10 days and only stayed consecutive nights in the same hotel once. This drove Prudence crazy. To get back at me, she spilled something on the floor in every room we stayed at. This has become an inside joke for us when we travel.
• We also visited Boston, the Cape, and NYC on our honeymoon.
• The Cards played the Mets at Shea Stadium on Monday, June 13th. We had planned to leave for home on Monday but I talked her into staying one extra day for the game. Romantic, aren’t I? The only catch is that we would have to drive straight home after the game. The game went into extra innings and we left NYC at Midnight. We had NO IDEA how to get out of the city. Unfortunately we took a wrong exit off a bridge and ended up in a questionable part of the city with only a few working stoplights and streetlights. We pulled up to one red light and heard what we thought were gunshots down the road to our right. So I went thru the light. At the next light, we came across a truck stopped in the middle of the intersection. The driver’s door was open, the engine was still running and no driver to be found. I ran thru this light, too. We finally found a truck route sign and followed it out of “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood”.
• I drove until 5am and got us to somewhere in PA on the turnpike. I asked Prudence, who had been sleeping the entire way, to drive for me while I caught some Zs in the back seat. When I woke up 4 hours later, we were stopped along side the road in a rest area and a cop was walking away from our car. She’d become too sleepy to drive and had pulled over to rest. From 5am to 9am, we traveled only 75 miles. The rest of the way home we took turns driving 1-2 hours at a time. We haven’t attempted a straight-thru drive since.
• We paid so many tolls on our drive home that on our first night at home, I rolled over in the middle of the night and asked Prudence for toll money.
• Sometime later in the week after we returned home, Prudence woke me up in the middle of the night to let me know that she heard something outside (we slept with our windows open for a breeze) and was worried a woman was in trouble. Not wanting to be bothered but still concerned with the woman’s welfare, I told her to call the police. After she got off the phone, I finally woke up enough to hear what she was worried about. The woman was not in trouble. She was definitely “enjoying herself” and her time with a guy named Mike in an apartment 2 floors up. When the police arrived, I told them what my wife heard (that was strange to say at the time!) and that they probably didn’t need to investigate any further. But because they just can’t take my word for it, they paid a visit to the couple in 3B. Shortly after the cops left, I heard the woman laughing louder than I’ve ever heard anyone laugh before – including me. Dare I say that Prudence then challenged me to “be like Mike”?

Happy Anniversary, Prudence! I love you!

So when do I get my mane?

"I'm rather proud of my mane of ... hair."
Ron Burgendy

No, not THAT mane! (Although it is the first thing I think about when I hear the word - it's one of the most hilarious scenes in Anchorman.) I'm talkin' about the kind that whips around when driving in a convertible. The kind that demands a hair dryer, makes you go to a beautician vs a barber, and that makes guys who have one think mullets are a good look.

Most of you know that my hair started abandoning me sometime in the late 80s. I can't remember if I told this story before, but the first time I realized I had a bald spot was in a mirrored elevator in New Orleans in 1993. Beginning in 1999 I stopped going to someone else to get my hair cut and bought a set of clippers.

Even though it sounds like I'm bitter, really I'm not. About the only time I thought that my hair was something that helped "define me" was in high school. But like most kids of that age, image is everything. College and real life changed that. The thing I miss most about my hair is that I no longer have a cushion between my scalp and my baseball hats. I wear them all the time - especially when I work outside - and they all start reaking after a couple of months of sweat. If someone has a solution to this problem, I'd love to hear it. Then I'd be totally satisfied with my melon. Other than that, I use less shampoo & conditioner, don't have to use a hair dryer, and can cut it myself. What could be better for a guy that hates maintenance? But apparently I hadn't made this clear to my bride...

Over the last year or so, Prudence has been using a hair product recommended by her beautician to help control and possibly reverse some hair thinning she's experienced. But she's been unhappy with the results. So she began investigating other options and ran across this one in our own back yard (per se). It's called Resthairation and it was recently written up in our local paper. After researching the product (it's developed by a hairdresser with all-natural herbs and has a full money back guarantee, which are huge pluses for her), she thought she'd give it a try. Then they presented her with a special deal for the man of the house. She'd probably heard me joke one too many times about my hairless noggin, and possibly saw this testimonial (which is freakeshly similar to my condition) and decided I should give it a try. So she laid the new scalp care regiment on me:

• Use the new shampoo
• Leave it on for 5 minutes
• Use the new conditioner
• After drying off, reapply the new conditioner and leave it on to soak into the scalp
• Apply another "coat" before bedtime

My first reaction was, "you gotta be kidding me!" Going from something just above bar soap to multiple applications of an herbal-based, home-made concoction not mass-produced by Johnson & Johnson©? And since when does my sensible wife buy into infomercial-type advertising? But then she gave me the look that says "do it for me" (not to mention the price tag - YOUCH!) and I caved.

Before I go any further, I need to point out that this isn't about Prudence wanting a new man. She's perfectly content with the balding, middle-aged guy she's promised to cohabitate with for the rest of her life. She only has my best interest at heart. Or so she says :) Anywho...

Once she finished her spiel, I went to take a shower. I'd worked a long afternoon in the yard at the duplex (which may be a post for another day) and really stunk it up. I told Prudence to take a good look at me - it might be the last time she'd see me like this. I might come out with a flowing mane like Homer Simpson on Dimoxonil. After dodging her right hook, I started my shower. Here are some of the thoughts that went thru my head that night and ever since:

• Need to use less than a dime shape's worth of shampoo and conditioner (did I mention that this stuff costs a lot of money?)
• Is there a coin smaller than a dime (again, I'm cheap)
• The shampoo smells Lestoil-ish
• What if I end up looking like Fabio?
• I have to leave this stuff on for 5 minutes. What am I going to do in the shower for 5 minutes (since I'm no longer 13 or single)?
• Hey, this stuff is running down my neck and face. I don't need any more ear and nose hair. What other hair will I get? Unibrow? Apeman?
• Has anything come in yet?

So 3 weeks later, I'm waiting for my mane. Just the other day Prudence noticed a long, extremely thin hair and wanted to pluck it out. What? I thought this is what we were working for. Then she said, "it's on your nose". Sure enough, a white hair about an inch long was there on the tip of my shnoz - visible only at certain angles. Suck.

If this is where it's headed, I want my bar of soap back...