Over-The-Shoulder-Boulder-Holders

When was the last time you heard that term? Third-grade? Well, welcome to my reality! I'll get to the reason why this is the title in just a moment, but first: an introduction into the story...

Our house is just over 7 years old and most of the rooms still have the contractor's High-hiding White paint on the walls. If you've ever been in a new construction with contractor paint, you know this stuff is not meant to last more than a month without showing wear. Add 3 kids, a dog, and an incredibly slobbish guy and you get a cave. Suffice it to say that I have a lot of painting to do.

One of the rooms in desperate need of fresh paint was the hall bathroom. Because we began an Illini theme to the room a few years ago (a couple of U of I landmark sketches, an "Illini Fans Parking Only" sign hung above the potty, and navy blue shower curtains and towels), I thought it would be great if the room were painted orange. Prudence balked at the idea. When she consulted one of our friends, Sue, who's taste she trusts, she thought she'd get different response. But Sue was on my side! So Prudence agreed to a trial period on an Illini orange paint job. She seems to think it was 2 months, but I don't remember a time period being set (but that's a different argument...). Since I didn't want the agreement to expire - guys, you know what I'm talking about - I needed to get the paint bought and on the wall...pronto! So this past Saturday afternoon, I made plans to go to Lowes and get my supplies for painting Sunday afternoon (it was supposed to rain).

When I told Prudence I needed to make a Lowes run, she asked me if I'd run a couple of other errands: look for dress shoes for The Boy and return/exchange/buy some items at Kohl's. Save a trip into "town" and saving some gas? Sure, just print off the descriptions of the items at Kohl's and I'll pick them up for you. This is where the title comes into play.

She wanted me to by a couple of bras for Panda.

I'm comfortable doing the laundry containing bras. I'm okay with seeing models in the Sunday ads containing women in bras. I've even come to grips that my daughter wears a bra (and has a monthly "visitor" to boot). But I'm not at ease with buying them. At a store. In a department that has never had a drop of testosterone in its isles. In front of people. Women somewhat, but mainly guys starring in from the "outside". Laughing. Even worse, not laughing but thinking I'm weird (in a way I'm not used to being thought of).

I gotta buy over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. OTSBHs.

Suck.

Since I'd already "won" a victory with the orange paint, I thought I'd better keep up the good vibes and agree. My only stipulation was that everything about the bras needed to be written down on a piece of paper that could be handed off to a lady in that department so she could get the product for me and I would never have to set foot on their "domain". I'd still have to take them to the register, but there I could mix them in with other buys. The beauty of online shopping made this request a piece of cake. Now I needed to come thru with my end of the deal...

I arrived at Kohl's and make the necessary returns/exchanges. Now it was time for me to come thru. Fortunately Kohl's was running a good sale on long-sleeve dress shirts. Mine all look like crap, so I knew I'd be able to buy 2 or 3 to hide the OTSBH. I ended up with 6, just to make sure. Then I made my way to the "intimates".

I walk up and find no one to help me. Other departments have 2-3 people restocking shelves and refolding the merchandise, but there's no one close to the bras. I walk around the perimeter, hoping that the items would be on the endcaps and that they'd just jump into my arms (and underneath my shirts, of course!), but alas, it was not meant to be. So I wander into the Misses department right across the way and ask 2 women employees for help. They were sympathetic to my cause and rushed into action. Unfortunately they claimed to have no expertise in the bra department (huh?). Betty was the chief stocker for intimates and would be able to find what I wanted in a snap. The way they went to look for Betty was like I was a crash victim and they were looking for medical help. And of course they had to talk about it. Loudly. To each other. I felt like I was Michael Keeton in Mr Mom needing a price check on tampons. But in all their hustling and bustling (pun intended), they were able to scare up Betty. I gave her my sheet of paper and she said she new just where she put the items. Apparently they took up too much room in the middle of an isle, so they had to be moved to an endcap. But the endcap was within her intersanctum. And she wanted me to follow her. I paused at the place where the tile walkway gives way to the carpet of the department. It was almost like I was going into Narnia. I just hoped that Betty wouldn't be the White Witch. So I entered.

Betty showed me the bras I needed. They looked just like the other thousand that surrounded me. I just wanted to get 2 of them and leave! Then she asked me, "What color?" That was the one detail that wasn't on the sheet. Suck. I assumed that the color should be white, but you know what they say about "assume". So I called Prudence to confirm. Yes, 2 white bras. Well, they only had one in Panda's size. So Betty took me to another endcap to look for another. Please let there be one there to end this! No? Double suck. Oh, well, one's better than none. I'll be on my way. But no. Betty's good at her job. She told me that another shipment came in earlier in the day and that she wanted to check in back. She asked me to wait right there while she looked. I told her I'd wait in the main walkway until she returned. Time seemed to stand still. And it felt like everyone was watching me. To throw them (whoever "them" might be) off, I stared at the housewares. Great plan - I think it worked. Soon Betty returned letting me know that she couldn't find another. More loud talking, now in the middle of the big isle! "Thanks for all your help!" and I'm outta there. At the checkout, I had to fight back the urge to explain my purchase to the clerk. But once I got by her I was home free! Fortunately I saved the Lowes trip for last. It felt good to be back in a guy's element: spackling compount, sand paper, paint brushes, etc. Ugh! Ugh!

I was able to paint the bathroom on Sunday (and Monday because it takes semi-gloss too long to dry on cool rainy days). It turned out awesome! I just hope Prudence comes to like it as much as I do. If anything, she'll probably not ask me to buy any more OTSBHs if I have to get more paint...and I won't feel obliged to do so!